I love black thongs
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
