Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
