I hate all girls vehemently.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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