Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
