I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You ruined the universe
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
