I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
