i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
