Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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