Cold hands, warm shart.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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