): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she told me i tasted like america
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
