Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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