get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
