Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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