Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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