I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Enjoy the penises
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
