I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
