Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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