She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
