I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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