Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
