Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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