so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
