just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
