she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
