dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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