I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
