Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
