oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I am available for nakedness
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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