I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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