my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
