I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just found puke in my bra..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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