I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
