I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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