She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
