i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
accomplished twins. life is a go
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
