I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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