Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
