Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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