I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
