I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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