don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
