Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
