if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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