I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
