i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
