I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
