Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
