My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
