I wish I only lived at night.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
