It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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