I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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