Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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